Life Lessons From A Person Who Beat Mega Man

The agony of defeat gives way to the joy of victory.

Ladies and gentlemen, though the battle was decade-long, years of dedication and hard work have reaped rewards in spades for today I have finally beaten a Mega Man game.  Not just any game.  Mega Man.  THE Mega Man.  The first and therefore most important game in the series.  One.  Numero uno.

Typical Mega Man fan.  Not pictured: dignity.

Needless to say, having accomplished a feat of such importance surely renders your truly in the pantheon of historic greats.  Or perhaps an even newer and much more important pantheon of magnificent significance encrusted in rubies and testicles.  A pantheon so great and vast, comparable only to the halls of Valhalla.  Not unlike my massive cock.

This, of course, only serves to swell my already elephantine ego to mach q levels of smug self-satisfaction.  And with that self-satisfaction comes the awareness that I am in fact better and smarter than you.  However, genius level intellect is pointless if you cannot use it to better the lives of all the little people around you, so with that, I would like to take a few moments to impart some wisdom into your dreary, mundane, pathetic existence, dear reader.

In the future, we will all wear funny-looking hats to prevent giant ants from sucking out our brains.

First and foremost, I would like to remind you of your ever encroaching and imminent death.  Every second you waste on your computer box is another second you could be doing something more productive with your life.  It is with this in mind that you should stop living in yesterday.  Forget about today.  Start living tomorrow.

But since you lack the intellect appropriate to building a device which will allow you to move to the year 2673, might I suggest that you instead pretend you are living in some distant future in which you are retired from work and have an abundance of free time with which to do the things you have always wanted to do.  Such as write that novel you keep blabbering on about but never getting down to, you pussy.

“Oh,” you say, “but I never have time to sit down and write.”  “Poppycock and blather!” I retort in my best English accent.  There you are, sitting on your ass, likely stuffing your face with a jelly doughnut and cup of coffee, reading this and doing your best to ignore the growing mountain of paperwork currently filling up your in-box.  Studies show that You, the average worker spend about 16 hours a week slacking off.  What you do with that time, I can only assume to be daydreaming about owning gold-plated motorcycles.

Definitely not a complete waste of $500,000.

That’s 16 hours per week that you could be better utilizing your time.  16 hours when you could be bettering yourself learning how to make origami cranes.  And let it not be said that origami does not have its uses.  For when the robot hordes take over the planet in a fashion that only Hollywood could invent, fashioning weapons out of paper will be a great distraction from the crushing reality of working for something only slightly less evil than Hitler stuffed with Hitler served with a lovely melange of Stalin.

Of course, you may be sitting there, considering the notion that because your accomplishment pales in comparison to my own that you shouldn’t even attempt a similar undertaking.  Though, yes, it is true that finishing a Mega Man game ranks among the greatest and most important happenings in our known universe – and one that will likely never happen to you – it doesn’t mean that your insignificant doings should go undone.  I mean, not everyone can beat a Mega Man game, the world still needs janitors to clean toilets and my feet need someone to hold them up.

Love,
Aaron